These past weeks, collectively, we have been going through a major historical event, and collectively, we are all feeling something. Whether it be anger, Indifference, shock or fear. There is no business as usual, we are holding our breath and washing our hands as businesses close and airplanes stay grounded.

“There comes a time when we can no longer bear the burden of carrying the world, and we set it down in the middle of the road. We collapse on the heap of our life and weep. Grief is a great relief and we wonder why we didn’t try it sooner.”

Two weeks ago I was, sick, self quarantining, drinking copious of lemon juice yet despite it all feeling calm and grateful.

The day I started to lose my voice, I thought to myself, do I even care to try to fight this anymore? For the last month while my family has been going through their colds and flu’s I had been staunchly heathy, and was feeling really good about how I was getting things done despite the hardship of an unwell household. But after a few weeks of grumpy kids and the maelstrom of terrible news in the media, general anxiety began to creep it, and with it grief and even despair. I was worn out, even though I had been slowing down, resting, and doing all the things I normally do to keep my head above water but I couldn’t deny it any longer. Heaviness was sitting on my chest and I could feel myself drowning for all the things that were breaking my heart. Form the conflict in the world, our suffering climate, economic and structural power abuse to my own personal failings which in that moment felt immense I felt something break inside as tears slid down my cheeks in torrents.

You may have noticed that there is no need to cultivate suffering. This life provides innumerable opportunities to throw our hardship into the fire of transmutation and watch it turn into something golden.

I thought surely now that after a release like the energy would shift, and I would begin to float to the surface again. But I was wrong, I got sick instead. Do I even care to try to fight this anymore?

The days went on and I got worse and felt just as sad and anxious as before.

I was so appalled that I had let things go this far! Shouldn’t I know better? Was I choosing fear? Was I keeping myself sick? Don’t I teaching healing for goodness sake! I was horrified at myself and the failure to keep myself well.

It was then in my minds eye I heard one of my teachers say, “So you are in the fear and panic? Accept it!”

I squirmed under this request. The same resistance came up again. I should know better, how could I fall for this? How could I let yourself buy into this story? After everything I’ve gone through I should know better! 

But all the reprimanding in the world couldn’t change the fact that  I was in it.  My head was not above water. I was not separate and in control, nor Immune to my own humanity.

Tentatively I reached out to accept myself in this place, exactly as I was. I opened my heart to the fear, the grief and anxiety as if I was holding a little child, with no judgement and I realized, this part of me had really good reasons to be afraid! This situation in the world is deeply triggering and scary and she was responding in a completely logical way!

It was only then, the feelings of dread started to abate, feelings of joy and peace began to return and I could forgive myself for what I thought was a failure to rise above adversity.

Bad things with happen, and we will desperately wish they hadn’t.

I don’t know what lies ahead, and it may get better or much worse, but one thing I do know is that I am here to be a part of this earth, to go through experiences and not around them, To not punish myself when I cannot keep my head above the water and instead allow myself to go through whatever it is I need to go through with kindness and compassion.

I believe that to be deeply spiritual is to be deeply human, and our humanity is craving to be known by our great spirit.

We will join the vast tribe of our human family when we look back at these experiences and shaking or heads in amazement say, “I would not trade this burning for all the wine in the world, for it has transfigured me, and now I am made of holy fire.”

I know we can become the fire, though we may not always know how to walk through it and transform in the face of adversity. We are made for these times. I have been immersed in potent tools for the past 15 years that can help you connect into the deep potential you have to meet who you are meant to become and realize that so much can still be accessible for you online.

I will be offering zoom healing sessions for a discounted rate of 30% off or sliding scale please book soon as these will fill quickly, also I will be offering online yoga practices by donation if you are interested, please sign up for my mailing list to stay updated on details.

I am still offering a 5 week course in April/May where we will pull apart some of the essential healing tools that I use for my own practice and reassemble them into something deeply personal to you, and the healing being you are. We are shifting these classes on line so you can join from anywhere in the world!

If you would like to join me I am offering my subscribers a discount, just enter the code SPIRIT2020 at checkout for 10% off before April 12th–the same day the prices go up. The code will automatically expire at midnight that day.

The Glastonbury retreat will be postponed until 2021, you can still check out what will be transpiring then here

If there is anything that I can offer that would be of service to you or to your community, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Sending blessing from my fire to yours,

Jacqui

Quote excerpts are from Passionate Mystic by Marabai Starr