18 May Be selfish, for love

I am learning how to be selfish, for love. I am learning to put myself in the center of my life, I am learning how not to depend on others happiness to determine my own. This is a fight, it is a choice and it is a practice because my unconscious says the complete opposite. It tells me to put the opinion’s and well-being of others before my own, it tells me that if I do this, I will be a better person, that people will love me for it. It tells me that I have to earn my place, It tells me that no one will like me if I stand too tall, it tells me that what I think and feel, don’t matter. It tells me in that in the long line of important things, I am last. Well, enough of that. I am tired of it, so very tired. What limiting way to live.  I would even argue that it’s not living, because by definition, living things GROW.  How can you grow if you are limited to how others perceive you? How can you grow if you are unwilling to prune outdated ideas of who you are? Your life is too precious for that. As Hafiz says,

 “Fear is the cheapest room in the house.

I would like to see you living

In better conditions.”

Do you know what I really find selfish? When we deny ourselves the full expression of who we are, when we hide our beating hearts from each other, when we take our lives for granted, when we tear each other down, when we blame each other, or the world, for not meeting our needs when we don’t even know what those needs are because we are so busy distracting ourselves from even asking the question.

Your life is enough and you are enough, you are worth being at the front of your personal line of important things. I am a mother and do you know what I owe my kids? Absolutely nothing. Do you want to know what I want for them? It’s this. I want to enjoy watching my kids grow,  I want to enjoy myself as their mother. I want to be brave and soft enough to stay connected to them despite my countless mistakes and shame that isolate’s me from my precious time with them. I want to experience myself as the best mother I can be because I’m worth that, and so are they. I want to belong to me and I want to share that with them. They don’t want to be the center of my universe, that is too much pressure for anyone to hold. So I must find my own center, and allow them to find theirs. We are here to connect and love each other, but we can’t do that if we don’t choose to take ourselves on.

It takes a huge amount of courage to stand in the truth of who you are to take responsibility for your life, and your choices. So when I say  “choose you,” I mean it. Choosing you is the most unselfish of acts.

So I ask you,

What is important to you?

What do you desire?

How can you serve THAT?

Stop with the excuses already. Be courageous enough, to stand tall in the center of your beautiful, chaotic, precious life. Choose to be selfish, for love.